Everyone loves some good old statistics possibly none more than myself- although in all fairness- I hate actually doing statistics as several college professors and one poor unsuspecting grad student lady TA (who fell pray to my Adonis like figure) can attest. Needless to say- statistics give answers to the great 'What if's' that we like to play. Please follow me down the rabbit hole for an adventure in futility!
Let's start with our beloved home--- what's in store for Terra Firma?
- Chances the Earth will be involved in a catastrophic asteroid strike in the next 100 years: 5,000 to 1.
That's not exactly comforting- so what else do we got working for us?
-Chances the Earth gets hit by a solar mega storm by 2020: 1 in 8....
Well- shit! Look's like we will be spinning in darkness while quietly awaiting our demise at the hands of an asteroid--- Trust me- you don't even want to know the odds of nuclear launch, nuclear accident, or dirty bomb detonation- you'll sleep far better not knowing. Well-maybe- just maybe, I can achieve wealth before the end?? What are the odds on that?
-Chances you will win the grand prize in Power Ball: 1 in 175,223,510
That's right- the chances are better of the planted being thrown into an apocalyptic hell than you winning Power Ball.... So take that!
- Chances that you are currently a millionaire: 1 in 83. Ok, now were talking!!
- Chances that your congressman is currently a millionaire- 1 in 2. I KNEW IT. Well, time to stash my millions in my freezer?
-Chances of someone hiding substantial amounts of money in their freezer- 1 in 6. You guys beat me to it!
Well- maybe I can achieve fame then?
- Chances of becoming an astronaut: 1 in 13,200,000... I am guessing this is rounded- plus- if you are the one of 83 people that's a millionaire- now you know what to do with your money before the solar storm.
- Chances of becoming US. President 10,000,000 to 1- I mean- who really wants that job anyway? Warlord is really more my style.
-Chances of becoming a pro athlete: 22,000 to 1. Did they make 'couch surfing' a pro event yet?? If they do, I'm totally set and am accepting corporate sponsors... seriously, get in on the ground level!
- Chances of winning an Academy Award: 11,500 to 1. Getting better!
-Chances of Taylor Swift winning this years Grammy for 'Best Album' 77%
Ughhh is there no justice????? Maybe I can become a saint to undo what once went wrong- (this is my second Quantum Leap reference this month... You're Welcome!)
-Chances of becoming a saint: 1 in 20,000,000.... hummm- well ill take my case to the worlds priests, ministers, rabbis, and/or bishops.
-Chances of being a target of the sexual advances of a priest, minister, rabbi, or other religious figure: 1 in 33.
At least I have my health??
- Chances of dying by stroke: 1 in 6
- Chances of getting cancer- Male 1 in 2, Female 1 in 3.
- Chances of succoring to heart disease- 1 in 3
- Chances you are overweight- 2 in 3
There's always love?
-Chances of your 2011 divorce stating 'Facebook' as a reason 1 out of 3
-Chances of dating a bonafide 'Super Model': 1 in 88,000. TO high maintenance anyway-
-Chances of dating a millionaire: 1 in 215
-Chances of dating a millionaire supermodel--- haha got you! Who knows- probably somewhere around being an astronaut.
-Chances you are a virgin after 18: 1 in 25. Wow... just wow. Porn?
-Chances you watched porn last year: 1 in 4.... hahaha you cheeky monkeys you!
Maybe life is about the simpler things
- Chances you will take a 'sick day' to go to the beach this year: 1 in 3
- Chances you will get murdered this year (after taking your sick day!): 1 in 18,000
- Chances your murderer will get away with it: 1 in 2
- Chances your murderer will be a shark: 1 in 300,000,000.
- Chances your murderer will in turn be murdered by shark? not good hahaha- especially if they avoid the beach that you like to skip work for!
What's the moral of the story?? According to a very complicated formula- intelligent life has a .01% chance of coming into existence- you already made it all that way- why not go a little further?
And if that doesn't work there's a 1 in 4 chance that you are reading this while drunk- So you have got that and the 1 in 88,000 chance of hitting a supermodel! Go get'er tiger!!
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