How To Survive Your Significant Other's (and your) Pregnancy Without Incurring Severe Bodily Harm -Or- The Do's and Don'ts of Preventing Your Grizzly Murder (Part 1?)

Prelude: On the off chance that my wife may read my tenacious rantings--- Let me first say she is a wonderful woman who endures my daily torment and accepts my attempts at living as a perpetual 18 year old. She has tamed me in my later years and is likely the reason why I am still alive as 18 year old me certainly would not have been able to survive this long. Sooooo Thank You Wife!!

And now....

With that out of the way- here is a 'Man's Guide To Survival'. Surviving your significant other's pregnancy will require more endurance than the most ambitious of zombie apocalypse plans (and yes I have one of those too). There is no hiding, running away, or escape. The only thing that you can do is to face this peril head on! You will (erroneously) harking back to the good ole' days of your relationship which were carefree. When you could leave your socks in the hallway- and the worst reaction was a brief chiding with (if you were lucky) some sweet makeup action afterwords. Well- experience the nostalgia now- because those days are long gone! A rookie mistake like leaving your socks in the hallway may earn you some form of corporal punishment or at least a few nights on the couch. In fact doing something as crazy as leaving the toilet seat up may earn you a fierce stare. What are you to do? What will become of your once promising life? I am happy to tell you- you have come to the right place- I have survived one pregnancy and am onto my next. I have been through the trial by fire and have returned stronger and better than ever. I will hand you this knowledge free of charge. You will not prosper as that will make you a target- but you will survive- and you too will pass this hard earned knowledge on to your friends, sons, and others. Please abide by this simple list of 'Do's & Don'ts'. Keep a list with you at all times- If you have a particular item- share it in the comments section with your fellow man so that we may learn from your fail and or success.

Without further adieu...

Do--- It is a stupid idea to write a commentary about surviving your significant other's pregnancy while she is pregnant as this is surely fraught with danger... (the things I do for you) but if you are going to do it--- write a section dedicated to how awesome your lady is and why your heretical talk should be forgiven.

Don't--- Make any commentary about her 'showing' or 'getting bigger'. This is an easy mistake to make as you may see other family like sisters, children, or her parents make similar comments and walk away unharmed. Make sure you remember that you are not any of those people, and she knows where you sleep andddd where the sharpened knives are kept in the house.

Do--- Offer your lady a collection of items that you know her to enjoy--- in moderate quantities. My personal story of survival is that my wife enjoys a certain book series, cream soda, and pecan pie. I brought her these offerings and placed them around her in her sleeping location. Be warned- to many of an item will lead her to think that you think she is fat because you brought so many. Too little will incur wrath because she will consider you an incompetent provider. This is an advanced tactic so make sure to start low and work your way up if you are unfamiliar with your ladies version of moderation.

Don't--- Make commentary on the attractiveness of any other women. This stands for women who are on tv, in magazines, and especially women that you may know. This seems obvious but its a quick trap to fall into- a simple conversation about how good your wife's friend looks since the surgery--- can quickly deteriorate into you sleeping in your car in 20* temps. If your lady says 'Doesn't she look good??' --- It's a damn trap--- that she is waiting to spring on you- Don't do it!! Act aloof and if an answer is required- stick with simple head nods and grunts of ambivalence.

Do--- Take up more of the chores- expect to be putting in more parenting time, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Its a good move anyway. This can unravel if you decide to start bragging of your abilities- also- don't complain.... that's also a sure fire way to come under the knife!

Don't--- Think you are going out for any social events! Your day's of 'hangin with the boys' is swinging precariously on the precipice of an abyss. If you do opt to be brave and want to go out- request it from your lady friend. Do not look overly excited to escape the tyranny of your house- as that request will be denied gleefully by your significant other. Absolutely do not (!!!) make the mistake of thinking 'I am man- I will do what I want' as this is a sure recipe to ensuring that your manliness will sleep alone for many years to come... in your own efficiency apartment on the wrong side of the tracks in some cold, ungodly basement of a complex. Doing things like going out without permission or staying out longer than your expected return home will likely lead to your bruised and battered body being dragged out of the Delaware River (or your nearest local waterway)

Do--- Provide your lady a space in which she can escape and be alone- with tv and comforts like recliners or beds (depending on your special lady's preference). Snacks and other items may be requested. Please have a plan on how to provide these in a prompt fashion. Make sure that your fridge and cabinets are stocked with her preferred items. Don't get cheap and go with store brand either! Those items will be rejected and earn you a subsequent trip to the store.

Don't--- Start arguments or escalate arguments. Even if you are right, you will have to live in knowing that you know your right--- but no one else shall ever know this because you will respond with 'Yes (insert your pregnant ladies name here) you are correct, I shall rectify (enter your sins here)'. This is a short point as there are no other comments to be added here. That is the only way- Practice tonight in the bathroom mirror- say 'Yes honey, I am sorry!' in the mirror- 10 times. This will help you with your emasculated pride during game day.

This ends part one of your training my young padawan. If you follow this simple list- your life expectancy will last much longer. Have some observations to share with the rest of mankind? Add them as together we are strong--- divided we will fall!

P